heaven bound

" Seasons come and seasons go.. One day sun, the next day snow. Flowers die and flowers grow,
But love is never-ending..

You can't kill it with goodbye.. It always finds a place to hide.. Inside your heart for your whole life..


Love is never-ending



When the lights have all gone down..
it'll still be hanging around..
Even when u think it's lost, it can still be found...

When every memory has been made..
And the pages start to fade.
When you think the ride is over..
You're back at the beginning..
Love is never-ending

It keeps goin' on and on..
Long after we're all gone away

Time may change what you believe
But one day the truth will set you free
Just have faith and you will see
Love is never-ending..."

brotherly

"When u find urself.. in some far off place.
And it calls u.. to rethink some things.

You start to sense
& slowly you're becoming someone else
& then you find yourself

& things that would've been lost on you..
are now is clear as it bears
& u find urself.
that's when u find ursef

And you go through life.. so sure of where you're heading.
& u wandered lost.. & its the best thing that could've happened to you.
cause sometimes when you lose your way, it's really just as well.

Because then you find urself..
that's when you find urself"
"Find Yourself" by my favorite country singer, Brad Pasley. OST of CARS.

Of many many foreseeable things my brother like best to have for the eve of his birthday this year was to watch the latest Pixar's movie CARS. So at the strike of midnight, there goes the 7 of us in the pajero, disastrous combination of 5 young adults, 1 underage and 1 not-so-young adult (he already has 4 kids ok), zooming across the neighborhood to catch the 12.45 show. We rammed onto dividers for the sake of driving a FWD, to watch by far the most enjoyable & colorful animated movie of characters from a hillbilly hell of a town.
CARS is a must see. Already second in my favorite list. Not 'classic', but definitely well made.

The next thing was to find a place to eat. It was an arduous task trying to agree on one as there were 7 semi-functioning heads(it was already 3.15 in the morning) with 7 different tastes.
We opted to try out the new 'uptown' in Kota Damansara as only one of us has actually been there.

The road enroute was less inviting, civilization is pretty much under construction. No wonder new 'uptown's sprang so many elsewhere (Subang, Setapak, Cheras; to name a few) as the one they've secluded for is in the middle of nowhere, not very good managerial business decision I must say.
Hence the food is okay. Spacious open-air stalls, just the way we like it aka less stuffy. Suprisingly clean too. But it is 3am on a Friday, a weekday. Most of shops were already closed or closing. Maybe it fills up more during the weekends. Maybe even dirtier.

The atmosphere is an entirely different story. Provided that it's school holidays, children were eveywhere, helping out at the stalls. The area is actually some sort of a multi-purpose hall with court lines, badminton nets, a stage - free karaoke session was held on that stage. There was even a house DJ.
While munching away we can't help but noticing the tranquility and complacency of the place. Teenagers playing takraw on one the courts, children playing badminton, mothers gossiping.. There was a sight of a pakcik reading a newspaper while sipping away a cup of coffee..
Despite the blaring music from the karaoke session which gratefully sounded quite good, everyone seemed to be having sucha a great time. Everyone seems to know everyone else. Laughters filled the air. Macam suasana petang2 di kawasan perumahan. I looked at my watch. It was nearly 0500 hour. They must be living in a different time zone I guess.

Well, even in this middle of nowhere there were the existence of rempits on road. It has always existed and will never be totally eradicated, even widespread-ing.

I love my brothers. For worldcup, GO ESPANA~!!!

rock

idahman. me. & billie. love u. still do.

I was just thinking how weird it is to feel lonely while literally u are being surrounded by millions of generally nice people everyday, potential friends and family. Prospects lovers even. Why do we still feel lonely?

I remember still...
They were my brotherhood(sisterhood), that had been my rock. The rock that had kept me going, kept me grounded. I was solid and invincible by even the thought of having them as mine.
And suddenly, the betrayal. More than once. I cant help but felt disappointed, which in my case, is much worse than angry.
And again, when this happens, I withdrew back into my shell. Being "the floater" I used to be.

And that's why people feel lonely sometimes. Either they had just lost their rock, or they still haven't found one.

nevertheless

Symptoms leading to an attempt;

1. extreme personality change
2. lost of interest in activities that used to be joyable.
3. significant loss or gain of appetite
4. sleep problems.
5. FATIGUE/LOSS OF ENERGY
6. FEELING WORTHLESSNESS OR GUILT
7. WITHDRAWAL FROM FAMILY/FRENS
8. neglect of personal hygiens
9. sadness, irritability or indifference.
10. having trouble concentrating
11. extreme anxiety
12. drug or alcohol abuse.
13. aggressive behavior
14. poor school performance(not caused by laziness)
15. HALLUCINATIONS OR UNUSUAL BELIEF

I got 11 out of 15.. Should I worry?
Analyzation of a case study that led to an analyzation of oneself. Extreme analyst, causing irrirations, sometimes projecting imaginary nonsensical theories which might qualify as 'behavioral science', given enough organized and systematic proof with statistics and stuff.
oh mestilah malas.

So nway, those are 15 suicidal symptoms. Then again, it's too common nowadays to feel depressed. It's not manic, which if it is, u should get professional help a.s.a.p.
Btw feeling suicidal IS a phase. Once u feel suicidal, its not like u are goin to feel that way for the rest of ur life, provided than u haven't killed urself now.

"Those suffering from depression do not openly discuss it for fear of being judged. Instead they try to drop clues as they are trying to communicate their intent"

I do know how they feel, they, "the depressed". Feeling isolated with no one to talk to.
Hey, don't read with a sad tone, this may be one helluva disturbing topic but I am actually in an elated state while doing this entry. I cant even hit myself hard enough to feel the pain, let alone knifed myself to death. Nauzubillah.
Nevertheless, people are still doing it. Most of the times, others missed the hints.
I think that no matter how sad or angry u are, u should THINK hard before u act, or say or do anything.
Or try the simple trick of curbing aggressiveness or anger, and even gluttonous; by counting from 1-10 before u cast the final spell.

To the rest of us, let's try loving each other, before judging. In the end, being alive is still better than being dead. When u died, there's really nothing u can do about anything

sekian.

numb

Majin buu is getting married for the first time. Trust me, it wont be his first.

Someone asked me this common question of "What's ur greatest fear in life?"

"Numbness", I blurted out, which caught me by surprise as normally my answer would be just roaches, or losing my loved ones, which is still true but not first on the list.

Numbness strikes when u least expected. It's the day fun is disappearing. It applies to not just frills and thrills, but to every kinda of emotions, like sadness and anger.
Blame it on burnt out or simply the lost of appetite, by getting used to things.
Like a soldier who cried at his first kill but not after his 20th.
Or failing to feel guilty of lying after uve been doing it for so long.
Or worse, not bein hurt by shits ppl do onto u, because uve accepted that u r not worth of love..

My apology to those constantly bombarded with my ravings of wanting to do so many things, having my say on practically everything, and being bold & transparent with my emotions (no worries, I don't do 'this' to stangers, only to those I consider close to me. saya adalah pemalu =D)...
But u know wut, I'm actually grateful to be able to find joy in things others found to be dull..
I'm actually easily bored so I'm always on the lookout of things that'd give me the "tingling sensations"..
Exhibit A : mountain climbing fails to give me the thrill anymore. But I still enjoy it, as though the climbing falls into just another workout process for me, I found the dramas of interactions between fellow climbers, refreshing.
I think that is why some ppl think I can never get bored with anything.

Pls slap me hard on the face or punch me on the chest the day I stop being this hungry person I am rite now, coz at that point I might be dead.
It's ok to feel hurt, to cry, to be angry; as long as u r careful not to allow it to affect ur judgment or consume u entirely.
Still, I'm an optimist of life, but not of myself. I know, I need to change that.

I'm frustrated still, with the stillness of my life. What else can be done than making the best out of it, right?
On the contrary, so much have been happening to those matter to me, even bad things that I bet u don't even wish upon those u hate.
I felt helpless as no matter how much I wanted to help, no matter how many tears I shed for them, it's they who went thru it, and only they can decide, no matter wut others told them to.

I'm positive though, that they would make the best out of it, as my friends are so good at pulling things together when the goin gets tough..
and rakan2ku sayang, I'm still just a phone-call away(email, utk yg jauh di sana), in case of anything... ok?!!

Honestly, I'm glad they cried or showed a bit of emotions, coz if they didn't, I'd be more worried, of having them turning into some kinda or monster; frozen inside.
Plus I believe only after a good cry or pouring all the angst inside, that a person can continue on with life.
And now everyday, I make a point of counting my blessings and be thankful to God of even the smallest things in life, maybe less whining, hehe.. (uhm, aku pun tatau ape kaitan ayat ni dgn ayat sebelum)

"Penyesalan yang kini ada, jadi tak bererti...
dalam waktu yang bengis, terus pergi..

Menangis lah... bila harus menangis..
kerna kita semua manusia.
Manusia bisa terluka, manusia pasti menangis...
dan manusia pun bisa, mengambil hikmah...

Di balik segala duka... tersimpan hikmah, yang bisa kita petik pelajaran
Di balik segala suka.. tersimpan hikmah, yang kan mungkin bisa jadi cobaan.. "

It's an old song of DEWA(19). I don't fancy it but its a good song and it touched me. Its too redundant to my liking but God knows how we all need reminding sometimes.