Been listening to 'sway' by Michael buble and this funny song 'seloka cak kun cak' ,a duo by tan sri s. m salim & m. nasir over and over and over again.
man, i cant get enough of these two songs. it's annoying to ppl around me; they are beginning to hate me & these 2 songs.
sumthing bout too much of good thing is er, not good too.(wtf?!!)
God, make me stop!!!
November 19, 2003
where the grass is greener
fuhh..
all's well ends well, i hope.
been writing to much mushy stuff here. but u know wut, ev thing IS fine now.
well, so far, its been a bleak Ramadhan for me. n before i know it, aidilfitri is juz 7 days ahead.
damn it was fast. i was only beginning to like it here, in kuantan.
well, i was born in KL n spent my adolescent years in Gombak. then i studied in tkc, seremban, b4 the whole family moved to kuantan. hell yeah i'm a nomad. that's y i love traveling so much i guess.
all those years in tkc, i rarely went back here. this place is so alien to me. i dont even have any local frens!!
well, there are few acquaintances here n there but none that i really clique with.
i hardly socialize whenever i'm in kuantan. who i hang out wit? my siblings, n cuzs, n bibik?! pathetic, very.
but nway, after getting to know this city better, it is indeed a great place to live in.
it's a place u would call as 'just nice'.
modern enough with beautiful beaches and greens. an ideal gateway for inspiration and tranquility.
i misjudged n didnt give enough credit for this place b4.
but to be enjoying this alone is not good enough.
my next step is, get to know more ppl and go out n look for new frens.
tomorrow it'll be then, no more procrastination.
or maybe, a day after tomorrow.
all's well ends well, i hope.
been writing to much mushy stuff here. but u know wut, ev thing IS fine now.
well, so far, its been a bleak Ramadhan for me. n before i know it, aidilfitri is juz 7 days ahead.
damn it was fast. i was only beginning to like it here, in kuantan.
well, i was born in KL n spent my adolescent years in Gombak. then i studied in tkc, seremban, b4 the whole family moved to kuantan. hell yeah i'm a nomad. that's y i love traveling so much i guess.
all those years in tkc, i rarely went back here. this place is so alien to me. i dont even have any local frens!!
well, there are few acquaintances here n there but none that i really clique with.
i hardly socialize whenever i'm in kuantan. who i hang out wit? my siblings, n cuzs, n bibik?! pathetic, very.
but nway, after getting to know this city better, it is indeed a great place to live in.
it's a place u would call as 'just nice'.
modern enough with beautiful beaches and greens. an ideal gateway for inspiration and tranquility.
i misjudged n didnt give enough credit for this place b4.
but to be enjoying this alone is not good enough.
my next step is, get to know more ppl and go out n look for new frens.
tomorrow it'll be then, no more procrastination.
or maybe, a day after tomorrow.
November 17, 2003
stupid-o
Woke up feeling better, finally i was able to sleep soundly last nite.
i juz hate myself right now.
as a matter of fact, i was the major reason of the 2 guys that matter most to me to be depressed.
feel like killing myself, seriously.
my weakest point is that i cant help feeling obligated to keep my frens happy.
in this case, ive been all out in trying to keep those who matter happy, which i have come to accept as impossible.
i did wut i had to do n i know it was the right thing to do.
so let it be; hearts are broken n ppl are hurting in the process
but things will turned out ok, eventually.
n i thanked a fren of mine for that, for the assuarance that ev thing IS gonna be alright.
then again, in the end of the day, i still find myself thinking bout others, n how i can help in any ways possible. n i cant stop blaming myself for all this s**ts thatve been happening.
i'm not good in doin things for myself. im not good in handling my emotion. it is soo tiring being me.
but i'm learning hard to put myself first, to be a lil bit more selfish so that i wont cause anymore complications. for being weak and stupid.
better learn fast gurl, or u'll be trashing your own life before u knew it.
i juz hate myself right now.
as a matter of fact, i was the major reason of the 2 guys that matter most to me to be depressed.
feel like killing myself, seriously.
my weakest point is that i cant help feeling obligated to keep my frens happy.
in this case, ive been all out in trying to keep those who matter happy, which i have come to accept as impossible.
i did wut i had to do n i know it was the right thing to do.
so let it be; hearts are broken n ppl are hurting in the process
but things will turned out ok, eventually.
n i thanked a fren of mine for that, for the assuarance that ev thing IS gonna be alright.
then again, in the end of the day, i still find myself thinking bout others, n how i can help in any ways possible. n i cant stop blaming myself for all this s**ts thatve been happening.
i'm not good in doin things for myself. im not good in handling my emotion. it is soo tiring being me.
but i'm learning hard to put myself first, to be a lil bit more selfish so that i wont cause anymore complications. for being weak and stupid.
better learn fast gurl, or u'll be trashing your own life before u knew it.
November 12, 2003
enlightened
ive juz ended a relationship of 5 months.
my heart is juz not there, and i think we are better off apart.
there's no logical explanation to that. others wouldnt understand coz they dont know the whole thing, only parts of it. so y bother.
i feel stupid but relieved at the same time.
at this point of writing, i'm totally lost n clueless, but the die is already being cast, so there's no turning back.
there's no point of whining and complaining either.
ive been indecisive for quite long, so wuts with this sudden enlightenment?
its God's will. or maybe. i juz dont care anymore.
but still, i do love him so much. Hes the best ive ever had, a great person in a whole.
a trophy bf - i quote from others.
i have no doubts of his loyalty n devotion. damn i love him. but i'm juz not ready for a commitment.
and the fact i dont love enough, its so depressing.
ive tried my my very best to work things out but the fact that i love him not more than juz frens, its juz wont work.
i should have done this earlier, way earlier, but the thought of losing him is too unbearable.
i take him as my best fren, one very close fren. n i would kill myself before doin anything to hurt him
but being in a relationship is a 2-way thing. and i think its juz unfair to him.
this is ludicrous. i have no control over my feelings. one minute i regret it, then i was crying my heart out all over the place, n the next thing i know, i was happily watching Rugrats on Astro. n this vicious cycle has been happening over n over again.
hell i am tired
n eventually, i turned to God as my last resort, which shouldve been my 1st.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
juz hope that i wont change my mind, this once and for all.
my heart is juz not there, and i think we are better off apart.
there's no logical explanation to that. others wouldnt understand coz they dont know the whole thing, only parts of it. so y bother.
i feel stupid but relieved at the same time.
at this point of writing, i'm totally lost n clueless, but the die is already being cast, so there's no turning back.
there's no point of whining and complaining either.
ive been indecisive for quite long, so wuts with this sudden enlightenment?
its God's will. or maybe. i juz dont care anymore.
but still, i do love him so much. Hes the best ive ever had, a great person in a whole.
a trophy bf - i quote from others.
i have no doubts of his loyalty n devotion. damn i love him. but i'm juz not ready for a commitment.
and the fact i dont love enough, its so depressing.
ive tried my my very best to work things out but the fact that i love him not more than juz frens, its juz wont work.
i should have done this earlier, way earlier, but the thought of losing him is too unbearable.
i take him as my best fren, one very close fren. n i would kill myself before doin anything to hurt him
but being in a relationship is a 2-way thing. and i think its juz unfair to him.
this is ludicrous. i have no control over my feelings. one minute i regret it, then i was crying my heart out all over the place, n the next thing i know, i was happily watching Rugrats on Astro. n this vicious cycle has been happening over n over again.
hell i am tired
n eventually, i turned to God as my last resort, which shouldve been my 1st.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
juz hope that i wont change my mind, this once and for all.
November 02, 2003
LANDSLIDE - Dixie Chicks
I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too
Well ...
this song brought me more tears than everything else ever did
Climbed a mountain then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too
Well ...
this song brought me more tears than everything else ever did
October 30, 2003
Somewhere in Between
Somebody ive been searching for, all this while,
Somebody ive practically dreamt into life,
Somebody ive longed to grow old with.
Fate got twisted somehow along the way.
Things cant get more complicated than this.
Having found ur soulmate is one thing, to lead a happy life with him is another.
Maybe, juz maybe, we were not meant to be together after all.
Maybe, its juz too late.
Its a dead end.
& i'm too heartless & tired to start to talk about it.
Somehow. there are many who see n feel the presence of true n strong love,
but denial was alwiz king.
Perhaps its the truthfullness of it all that provokes them,
considering the pretention that surrounds our daily lives.
" It could well be that i'm goin mad; or, on the other hand, i'm simply confused and unhappy; or on the third hand, i know exactly what i want but cannot bring myself to do it because of all the pain it would cause, and the tension between those two states of being, makes me want to explode.."
But i know, things will come my way, eventually. & i'm happy, for now.
Somebody ive practically dreamt into life,
Somebody ive longed to grow old with.
Fate got twisted somehow along the way.
Things cant get more complicated than this.
Having found ur soulmate is one thing, to lead a happy life with him is another.
Maybe, juz maybe, we were not meant to be together after all.
Maybe, its juz too late.
Its a dead end.
& i'm too heartless & tired to start to talk about it.
Somehow. there are many who see n feel the presence of true n strong love,
but denial was alwiz king.
Perhaps its the truthfullness of it all that provokes them,
considering the pretention that surrounds our daily lives.
" It could well be that i'm goin mad; or, on the other hand, i'm simply confused and unhappy; or on the third hand, i know exactly what i want but cannot bring myself to do it because of all the pain it would cause, and the tension between those two states of being, makes me want to explode.."
But i know, things will come my way, eventually. & i'm happy, for now.
October 28, 2003
1st day of Ramadhan
Hello.
Ive been writing actively somewhere else before but it was like ages ago.
Too much free time porpelled me to do this all over again.
Its the 1st of Ramadhan & i'm throwing up all over the place, all nite long.
My tummys hurting like nobodys business.
I can even clearly imagine it bursting outwutever it is inside, anytime sooner.
Gratefully, it was not appendic. Juz another one of those food poisoning cases.
& i thanked my bro for that, for kindly taking me to the hospital at 2am in the morning.
Forgive me for freaking out, juz that a good fren of mine had an operation on appendic only quite recently.
A very, very good fren of mine.
The symptoms were there, intriguing me to think of the worse that couldve happened.
Or maybe, its juz an excuse projected by my body(or mind), of not wanting to puasa, hmm..
Then again, i managed to hold till berbuka.
I'm telling u now, it'll take more than a mere stomach ache, or head ache here n there, or even high fever,
to hinder me from puase.
I'm tough, hell yeah i'm good.
Ha ha.
Ive been writing actively somewhere else before but it was like ages ago.
Too much free time porpelled me to do this all over again.
Its the 1st of Ramadhan & i'm throwing up all over the place, all nite long.
My tummys hurting like nobodys business.
I can even clearly imagine it bursting outwutever it is inside, anytime sooner.
Gratefully, it was not appendic. Juz another one of those food poisoning cases.
& i thanked my bro for that, for kindly taking me to the hospital at 2am in the morning.
Forgive me for freaking out, juz that a good fren of mine had an operation on appendic only quite recently.
A very, very good fren of mine.
The symptoms were there, intriguing me to think of the worse that couldve happened.
Or maybe, its juz an excuse projected by my body(or mind), of not wanting to puasa, hmm..
Then again, i managed to hold till berbuka.
I'm telling u now, it'll take more than a mere stomach ache, or head ache here n there, or even high fever,
to hinder me from puase.
I'm tough, hell yeah i'm good.
Ha ha.
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